Prompts from here. PS - this is my first attempt at poetry. Be nice. :) Inspired by my messy teacher life.
My life is just a pile of papers,
Unsorted and disordered.
Each person adds another piece
And onward up it goes.
They say, "This mess should have more form!
It should be organized!"
But I know each and every piece,
I smile and say, "It's mine".
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Writing Challenge Day 2: "In the Shade" Original Date: October 28, 2014
Again, you can join me in my writing challenge, using the prompts here. Constructive criticism and feedback welcome!
There were, he decided, a great number of people missing out on one of life's greatest pleasures. The gentle breeze ruffled his hair, and in the distance, he could hear a dog barking. Nearby, children screeched and giggled, his own among them, as they chased each other through the trees. Situated comfortably on a large quilt, he watched as a young boy and his mother guided a vibrant red kite through the sky. Yes, he pitied the poor souls trapped in their offices and cyber worlds. Birds chirped and squirrels chattered. Overhead, a leafy, green canopy sheltered him from the brilliance of the sun. No clouds littered the sky on this most glorious of days. The dog at his feet sighed and moved into a more comfortable position. All around him lay the magic of nature. As the dark haired girl ran up to him, a smile lighting up her face, he knew beyond a doubt there was no better way to spend a day than in the park, in the shade.
There were, he decided, a great number of people missing out on one of life's greatest pleasures. The gentle breeze ruffled his hair, and in the distance, he could hear a dog barking. Nearby, children screeched and giggled, his own among them, as they chased each other through the trees. Situated comfortably on a large quilt, he watched as a young boy and his mother guided a vibrant red kite through the sky. Yes, he pitied the poor souls trapped in their offices and cyber worlds. Birds chirped and squirrels chattered. Overhead, a leafy, green canopy sheltered him from the brilliance of the sun. No clouds littered the sky on this most glorious of days. The dog at his feet sighed and moved into a more comfortable position. All around him lay the magic of nature. As the dark haired girl ran up to him, a smile lighting up her face, he knew beyond a doubt there was no better way to spend a day than in the park, in the shade.
Writing Challenge Day 1: "It's futile" (Original Date: October 27, 2014)
Introduction: So I am trying to improve my writing and hopefully, try out some new styles and genres. So in addition to my drawing challenge, I have also challenged myself to a year long writing challenge in which I will write one entry/day. I'm going WAY out of my comfort zone posting this online, but I'm hoping this gives me a little inspiration to try harder. Criticism and compliments welcome, as well as suggestions. I am getting my prompts from another blog: here. Enjoy - and PLEASE leave feedback!
"It's futile"
Hope. Who can argue whether its learned or ingrained in our consciousness when born? ( I'm quite sure it has been argued...extensively.) For myself, it is an integral part of my daily life. The hope that we have cheeseburgers for dinner, or just that today will turn out okay. From there, it goes deeper into a realm that I sometimes don't fully understand myself. My hopes for my children, myself, friends, the world. I do not always give them conscious thought. It arrives, unbidden, to keep me persevering. But what if that hope is dashed? What kind of conditions have to be in place to make someone become completely devoid of hope? Is it years of oppression? Overwhelming loneliness? What makes a child's smile disappear? What makes a frustrated adult walk away from a life he's built for years? What makes thousands end it all within seconds? It is a simple thought. One that, given time and food for growth can kill hope and destroy worlds. It is receiving that failing grade one more time. Loving the wrong person yet again. Being reminded that you didn't live up to expectations. The whisper of doubt that steals joy: "It is futile."
"It's futile"
Hope. Who can argue whether its learned or ingrained in our consciousness when born? ( I'm quite sure it has been argued...extensively.) For myself, it is an integral part of my daily life. The hope that we have cheeseburgers for dinner, or just that today will turn out okay. From there, it goes deeper into a realm that I sometimes don't fully understand myself. My hopes for my children, myself, friends, the world. I do not always give them conscious thought. It arrives, unbidden, to keep me persevering. But what if that hope is dashed? What kind of conditions have to be in place to make someone become completely devoid of hope? Is it years of oppression? Overwhelming loneliness? What makes a child's smile disappear? What makes a frustrated adult walk away from a life he's built for years? What makes thousands end it all within seconds? It is a simple thought. One that, given time and food for growth can kill hope and destroy worlds. It is receiving that failing grade one more time. Loving the wrong person yet again. Being reminded that you didn't live up to expectations. The whisper of doubt that steals joy: "It is futile."
Thursday, October 16, 2014
All in Vain
I'm not even going to bother apologizing for "preaching" at you in this post. I almost began with "usually I keep this stuff to myself, but...", BUT this time I'm not going to. Why? Because I strongly feel this needs to be said. This is a long post, and there is no audio version, but stick with me.
Let's begin with this - I am truly blessed to work in a school that not only allows but encourages personal Bible study. Over the summer, I began reading four chapters a day - Proverbs, Psalms, Old Testament, New Testament - at the recommendation of our pastor. When school started, I was pretty sure I'd forget or get busy and something would interrupt my new habit. However, quite the opposite happened. I actually felt inspired to read more. So, I've been slowly making my way through Psalms all summer. And I'll be honest, there were days I DID forget, so I'm just now getting around to Psalm 73. And wow....I felt blown away by it when I read it this morning. And for you to understand why, there's a back story you have to understand.
I have always felt like I was a "by the rules" kind of gal. I DON'T enjoy getting in trouble and I ALWAYS get caught. Either my mom was just that good, or I'm just horrible at hiding things. So, around my senior year in high school, I decided life would just be simpler for me to go along with the rules, even if I didn't like them. It beat getting punished. I'm not saying that to brag, because there were still SEVERAL rules I did break. But the big ones - not staying out late/sneaking out, going to school, not drinking, smoking, etc. I could do those easy. And I became very prideful of it. So much so that I now recognize that PRIDE is my weakness. For my Bible study friends - I would've made an A-list Pharisee. ((For those of you who don't know - that's not a good thing.))
Life went on - I went to college. Believe it or not, I had a few offers to dinner and such but they usually fell flat. No one seemed to be on the same page in life as me and so I was pretty much flying solo. Solo gets boring and lonely REALLY fast. Like all young adults, I felt the pressure of having never seriously dated and feeling like a loser because of it. So I prayed that God would send me the man He wanted me to marry. {Enter my ex from stage left}
Everything seemed to fall into place. My older self now would like to go slap former me and say "If it's too good to be true, RUN AWAY!!!" I fell in love. Hard core. Head over Heels. Forsaking all others (literally). I was SURE he was the one. I laid out all my "rules" to him from the beginning. Rules I had been taught and taken from the Bible and he assured me he was happy to comply with each and every one.
Long story cut short - we got married. Had two beautiful kids. And a month after the second, my world fell apart. So many lies and manipulations that while I had not been blind to, I had chosen to ignore or not question. And suddenly it was over. The guy I married was a complete stranger with a whole life I knew nothing about. Several of you witnessed the fall-out first hand. And for those of you who didn't, it was NOT pretty. While every rule I had put in place was broken and every moral standard I had raised was brought low, he seemed to prosper. He found someone new, better, more attractive....not me. He got a life free of responsibility - left to be "fun dad" every other weekend and never a chance for the kids to see his faults.
To put it bluntly, this infuriated me. I was angry that I, doing everything I knew was right to do, got screwed. ((gotta love slang, right?)) I was angry with my ex, myself, but mostly God. I had no desire to go to Church and hear about a God who would bless you if you just listened to him. I didn't want to see people who would judge me because of my divorce that I chose happily.
As 2013 came to a close, my anger only grew. Every time we spoke on the phone, it dissolved into angry arguments, threats from him, and generally just boiled down to how happy HE was that we were through. Regardless, I was determined to make 2014 a better year for myself and the kids. Even though I didn't want to go to church, I went anyways, because it was the right thing to do. (And partially, because it made me better than him.) But I was having a hard time believing what I was hearing. To me, it looked like if God was still out there, he was perfectly ok with his people getting stepped on and everyone else mocking him and living well. And this is only the surface of how I really felt. I don't think I could adequately put my feelings into words. Things were only getting worse. I had one kid going through meltdowns every other week and another who did not know her own father. When I did speak to their father, I just got lies I was too tired to argue about anymore. He was winning. And I was quickly losing my desire to even care anymore. Because caring hurt and it was a lot easier to shut it off. I felt betrayed by God and I was focusing my anger on Him for allowing this to even happen in the first place.
That all changed in March. When suddenly, the lies and destruction finally caught up to him. I don't mean this to sound as haughty as it does, though at the time, I probably took a little too much satisfaction from his downfall. Around the same time, I truly felt like God was telling me that I needed to drop my anger issues, and the ONLY way that was going to happen? Pray for my ex. Love him in Christ. And THAT was the bigger change. The miracle of the whole situation. It takes a lot for me to embrace change. And I had to be figuratively knocked on the head with a 2x4 to realize that my anger wasn't working. My list of grievances wasn't helping me. It wasn't doing ANYTHING but making me a bitter, angry, sinful person. And with the grace of God and some good honest talks with friends and family, I was able to let that go. I realized that one person's bad choices doesn't mean that God doesn't care. It's the opposite. He loves us so much that he sustains us and provides for us even when we don't hold up our end of the bargain. I had done everything but verbally say "there is no God", and I was very close to that point. But I came out of this knowing that God is very much real and had been my strength and refuge the whole time in a situation where things could have gotten a lot worse. My tattoo says, "My refuge into eternity". When I got it, it was because of the historical significance - Sophie Scholl's last words. It means so much more now. God IS my refuge into eternity. He was protected me in EVERYTHING and never once gave up on me - even when I gave up on Him.
Here's what I read this morning. Psalm 73. I've high-lighted the parts that stood out to me:
A Psalm of Asaph. Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For they have no pangs until death; their bodies are fat and sleek. They are not in trouble as others are; they are not stricken like the rest of mankind. Therefore pride is their necklace; violence covers them as a garment. Their eyes swell out through fatness; their hearts overflow with follies. They scoff and speak with malice; loftily they threaten oppression. They set their mouths against the heavens, and their tongue struts through the earth. Therefore his people turn back to them, and find no fault in them. And they say, “How can God know? Is there knowledge in the Most High?” Behold, these are the wicked; always at ease, they increase in riches. All in vain have I kept my heart clean and washed my hands in innocence. For all the day long I have been stricken and rebuked every morning. If I had said, “I will speak thus,” I would have betrayed the generation of your children. But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end. Truly you set them in slippery places; you make them fall to ruin. How they are destroyed in a moment, swept away utterly by terrors! Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms. When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. (Psalm 73 ESV)
Let's begin with this - I am truly blessed to work in a school that not only allows but encourages personal Bible study. Over the summer, I began reading four chapters a day - Proverbs, Psalms, Old Testament, New Testament - at the recommendation of our pastor. When school started, I was pretty sure I'd forget or get busy and something would interrupt my new habit. However, quite the opposite happened. I actually felt inspired to read more. So, I've been slowly making my way through Psalms all summer. And I'll be honest, there were days I DID forget, so I'm just now getting around to Psalm 73. And wow....I felt blown away by it when I read it this morning. And for you to understand why, there's a back story you have to understand.
I have always felt like I was a "by the rules" kind of gal. I DON'T enjoy getting in trouble and I ALWAYS get caught. Either my mom was just that good, or I'm just horrible at hiding things. So, around my senior year in high school, I decided life would just be simpler for me to go along with the rules, even if I didn't like them. It beat getting punished. I'm not saying that to brag, because there were still SEVERAL rules I did break. But the big ones - not staying out late/sneaking out, going to school, not drinking, smoking, etc. I could do those easy. And I became very prideful of it. So much so that I now recognize that PRIDE is my weakness. For my Bible study friends - I would've made an A-list Pharisee. ((For those of you who don't know - that's not a good thing.))
Life went on - I went to college. Believe it or not, I had a few offers to dinner and such but they usually fell flat. No one seemed to be on the same page in life as me and so I was pretty much flying solo. Solo gets boring and lonely REALLY fast. Like all young adults, I felt the pressure of having never seriously dated and feeling like a loser because of it. So I prayed that God would send me the man He wanted me to marry. {Enter my ex from stage left}
Everything seemed to fall into place. My older self now would like to go slap former me and say "If it's too good to be true, RUN AWAY!!!" I fell in love. Hard core. Head over Heels. Forsaking all others (literally). I was SURE he was the one. I laid out all my "rules" to him from the beginning. Rules I had been taught and taken from the Bible and he assured me he was happy to comply with each and every one.
Long story cut short - we got married. Had two beautiful kids. And a month after the second, my world fell apart. So many lies and manipulations that while I had not been blind to, I had chosen to ignore or not question. And suddenly it was over. The guy I married was a complete stranger with a whole life I knew nothing about. Several of you witnessed the fall-out first hand. And for those of you who didn't, it was NOT pretty. While every rule I had put in place was broken and every moral standard I had raised was brought low, he seemed to prosper. He found someone new, better, more attractive....not me. He got a life free of responsibility - left to be "fun dad" every other weekend and never a chance for the kids to see his faults.
To put it bluntly, this infuriated me. I was angry that I, doing everything I knew was right to do, got screwed. ((gotta love slang, right?)) I was angry with my ex, myself, but mostly God. I had no desire to go to Church and hear about a God who would bless you if you just listened to him. I didn't want to see people who would judge me because of my divorce that I chose happily.
As 2013 came to a close, my anger only grew. Every time we spoke on the phone, it dissolved into angry arguments, threats from him, and generally just boiled down to how happy HE was that we were through. Regardless, I was determined to make 2014 a better year for myself and the kids. Even though I didn't want to go to church, I went anyways, because it was the right thing to do. (And partially, because it made me better than him.) But I was having a hard time believing what I was hearing. To me, it looked like if God was still out there, he was perfectly ok with his people getting stepped on and everyone else mocking him and living well. And this is only the surface of how I really felt. I don't think I could adequately put my feelings into words. Things were only getting worse. I had one kid going through meltdowns every other week and another who did not know her own father. When I did speak to their father, I just got lies I was too tired to argue about anymore. He was winning. And I was quickly losing my desire to even care anymore. Because caring hurt and it was a lot easier to shut it off. I felt betrayed by God and I was focusing my anger on Him for allowing this to even happen in the first place.
That all changed in March. When suddenly, the lies and destruction finally caught up to him. I don't mean this to sound as haughty as it does, though at the time, I probably took a little too much satisfaction from his downfall. Around the same time, I truly felt like God was telling me that I needed to drop my anger issues, and the ONLY way that was going to happen? Pray for my ex. Love him in Christ. And THAT was the bigger change. The miracle of the whole situation. It takes a lot for me to embrace change. And I had to be figuratively knocked on the head with a 2x4 to realize that my anger wasn't working. My list of grievances wasn't helping me. It wasn't doing ANYTHING but making me a bitter, angry, sinful person. And with the grace of God and some good honest talks with friends and family, I was able to let that go. I realized that one person's bad choices doesn't mean that God doesn't care. It's the opposite. He loves us so much that he sustains us and provides for us even when we don't hold up our end of the bargain. I had done everything but verbally say "there is no God", and I was very close to that point. But I came out of this knowing that God is very much real and had been my strength and refuge the whole time in a situation where things could have gotten a lot worse. My tattoo says, "My refuge into eternity". When I got it, it was because of the historical significance - Sophie Scholl's last words. It means so much more now. God IS my refuge into eternity. He was protected me in EVERYTHING and never once gave up on me - even when I gave up on Him.
Here's what I read this morning. Psalm 73. I've high-lighted the parts that stood out to me:
A Psalm of Asaph. Truly God is good to Israel, to those who are pure in heart. But as for me, my feet had almost stumbled, my steps had nearly slipped. For I was envious of the arrogant when I saw the prosperity of the wicked. For they have no pangs until death; their bodies are fat and sleek. They are not in trouble as others are; they are not stricken like the rest of mankind. Therefore pride is their necklace; violence covers them as a garment. Their eyes swell out through fatness; their hearts overflow with follies. They scoff and speak with malice; loftily they threaten oppression. They set their mouths against the heavens, and their tongue struts through the earth. Therefore his people turn back to them, and find no fault in them. And they say, “How can God know? Is there knowledge in the Most High?” Behold, these are the wicked; always at ease, they increase in riches. All in vain have I kept my heart clean and washed my hands in innocence. For all the day long I have been stricken and rebuked every morning. If I had said, “I will speak thus,” I would have betrayed the generation of your children. But when I thought how to understand this, it seemed to me a wearisome task, until I went into the sanctuary of God; then I discerned their end. Truly you set them in slippery places; you make them fall to ruin. How they are destroyed in a moment, swept away utterly by terrors! Like a dream when one awakes, O Lord, when you rouse yourself, you despise them as phantoms. When my soul was embittered, when I was pricked in heart, I was brutish and ignorant; I was like a beast toward you. Nevertheless, I am continually with you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will receive me to glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. For behold, those who are far from you shall perish; you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to you. But for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, that I may tell of all your works. (Psalm 73 ESV)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)