So much to write, so little time

I hate starting the day off in a negative mood, because we all know the cycle that creates.  Today is my 5th wedding anniversary, and I would be lying if I said that just the date alone isn't having a psychological toll on me today.  I can honestly say I never want to make that kind of commitment again. Sure, a part of me would like the companionship that comes from the romantic relationship department, but the bigger part of me is screaming, "No thanks, it's not worth it."  I'm smart enough to realize that this, too, is just a psychological reaction to having gone through a not pleasant marriage to say the least.  And after an hour and a half of defending myself on why I married him in the first place (just two days ago!), it seriously made me rethink the whole point of relationships. Sadly, the hearing seemed to be less of what was best for the kids and more a criticism of me loving some guy who wasn't worth it.  And that's seriously the impression I got from his lawyer.  And, because therapists like their 9 to 5 job too, I use my blog and friends to keep the pressure down.  I like blogging because I can throw all my thoughts out there in one giant, jumbled mess and not have to deal with the patronizing platitudes guaranteed to be thrown my way.  The child in me still wants to stamp my feet and scream it's not fair and the adult Christy wants to tell that child she is annoying and to get lost. Most of you know that I love sarcasm, even when it's directed at me.  So the irony that our marriage is still going and he probably actually remembered the date this year is amusing to me. 

In other news, last night I read an article in "Countryside", which is a homesteading magazine. ((And yes, that's because I turned 65 last year!)) The magazine lets anyone submit articles to be printed.  One lady, (I'm assuming of the older generations) had blasted my generation for being a lazy, give-me generation, who only knows how to make money by having children and taking welfare.  I was deeply offended by this.  Not only do I think this does NOT apply to me, but it doesn't apply to hardly anyone in my age group I know.  I work well over 40 hours a week.  When I'm home, I'm either grading/lesson planning or working on a project that I hope will better our home and the lives of my children.  I don't get food stamps, or government insurance, or any other type of tax-payer assistance.  My parents help me buy formula and diapers because they're awesome.  I think the problem with our society is not those who "leech" the welfare system.  It's the constant degrading of those who do not.  I would like to point out that those "useless eaters" were raised by a "better generation of hard workers".  Apparently something did not stick.  My parents had me always busy.  Whether it was cleaning the garage for the 15th time or reading, traveling, and simply having fun, there was not a lot of downtime.  They taught me the value of hard work, just like several of my friends were raised.  In fact, it is because of my parents and grandparents that I'm not afraid to tackle a big project even if I have no idea what I'm doing.  I am not going to judge those on welfare as leeches, because I know some people just need help occasionally.  But I realize there are those who take advantage of it.  This has occurred in EVERY generation!  Jamestown nearly died out because the men were too lazy to farm!  Our founding fathers used slaves as a free labor source so they could have the posh life as landowners and time to think about the Constitution.  Is this the American work ethic I should mimic? Laziness is a problem throughout history and NOT applicable to just one generation.  And this rant was too long for a facebook post. :) 

As usual, you are welcome to disagree. Unlike magazines, my blog has a comment box you can use to directly challenge me.  Have fun.

Marching Forward

I feel like I missed the entire month of February.  It's hard to believe it flew by this quickly.  My resolve to blog more in 2014 is already floundering, but here I am...making an attempt.  I am trying to stick to my resolution to be more positive.  But, sometimes, it's a LOT easier to just get stuck in the mud.  So, more often than not, my "march" forward becomes more of a trudge (that usually involves a lot of whining).  We're going back to court tomorrow.  Which ultimately means that there will be no sleep for me tonight and near panic-inducing anxiety tomorrow morning.  But I am resolved to play it cool.  I'm going to bring a book, and not let anyone get to me.  So, if you try to contact me tomorrow, and I don't respond, I am probably fine, just "in the zone".  My life really is not bad at the moment.  It's (for the most part) quite peaceful.  But it's hard to relax when in the back of your mind you know everything is not settled and the peace is only temporary.  It's somewhat encouraging to see that the kids are happy and are adjusting.  I, personally, take no credit for this.  I am blessed to be surrounded by an army of people who love the kids and do not let them feel neglected or wanting in the least.  In fact, I'm starting to believe they could hear the word "no" a little more often.

But back to the beginning of this post - February seemed to just be a waiting kind of month.  I've often wondered what purgatory is supposed to be like and I feel like I've gotten a taste of it this month.  It's neither good or bad.  It just is.  And it's SO overly frustrating.  Good or bad, I want this battle to be over so that I can help the kids move on and adjust to whatever new reality they will have to face.  So, I ask that you keep us in your prayers tomorrow.  This isn't even the trial, it's just temporary orders, so nothing will be final tomorrow.  Just pray that what is best for the kids will come through and everything else will be ok.