The End of the Chapter

This school year.  It has definitely been one I'll never forget.  But tomorrow is the LAST day for students.  I really thought that was enough.  But then I got the call I had been dreading - STAAR results.  Everyone in the state of Texas has an opinion on STAAR and I have yet to hear a good one. STAAR is supposed to measure student performance.  To prove whether or not a student has mastered the subject material. And while we can all agree that the accountability has to be there, we ALL agree that standardized tests are not the way to get it.  In fact, the ONLY ones who do are state legislators and Pearson.  Last year, my results were not stellar.  I ended the school year depressed, and feeling like a failure.  You see, whether we want to admit it or not, teachers are given ownership of their students' results...when they're bad.  When you succeed, you get a pat on the back, and you get to hear the accolades of what the district and everyone else did to get you there, even if you never see one other person in your room ALL YEAR LONG.  Or even worse, told that the test was easy - that must be why your students did well.

No one hesitated to come to me when the scores were less than perfect.  Where were my tutorial logs?  What did I do?  What was wrong - with me?  And there are teachers being confronted with those questions right now as we speak.  When I moved districts and entered one of the largest districts in the nation, it didn't take me long to figure out that this is a number game.  Produce the numbers or sink.  To compound this, I somehow landed a job at one of the up and coming schools in that district and it was crystal clear that the results - good or bad would be all on me.  Benchmark after benchmark, results came back that were not promising.  I mean, I got my first gray hair this year and I partially blame that stupid test.  I freaked out at home, got frustrated at work.  I was one massive hot mess.  I was in a new subject, teaching AP for the first time, and would be setting the bar for the school's first EOC on that level.  I know the students are more than a number.  I know I am more than a number.  But in the end, people I didn't know would look at a number on a piece of paper and decide if I was a good teacher and if my students were "smart".  (And THAT is what made me try for a spot at a private school.)

I am proud to report that 100% of my students passed.  I give them full credit.  Because by the time they took that test, I was emptied.  I had done everything in my power to get them ready and was still AFRAID that it wouldn't be enough.  The morning they took the STAAR, I prayed that God would just let them do they best they could and give me the courage to just accept whatever percentage came out of that.  I didn't want another year of sub-par scores on my record as a teacher.  I didn't want the students to have to face summer school and retests so they could graduate.  And I had secretly decided that a bad performance would mark the end of my teaching career, because the tests were showing I was not a "good" teacher.  I was going to use the next year to figure out a new career path.

I went through all this to say one thing - if your scores were not what you wanted or were expecting, this does NOT make you the failure.  It is a failure of the state system.  My desire to help students this year was no different than last year.  My knowledge of history was not greater (in fact, it was less - being my first year in U.S. and AP).  My teaching methods hadn't changed.  Students want to pass those tests.  There is not one student who goes into a state test and purposefully fails the test.  And they are no more failures than we (teachers) are when the scores are bad.  There are bad teachers, sure, but the STAAR doesn't point them out any better than the TAKS test did.  It just discourages those who DO care.  I also don't want to belittle success stories.  Those girls were obviously doing some hard, behind-the-scenes work to throw out a number like that, and I am beyond proud of them.

Finally the Weekend

This has been a long week, in every way possible. Thankfully, it wasn't anywhere near the drama I was going through a few months ago. We seemed to have settled in a peaceful period, no matter how brief it may be. The quiet, however, seems to have it's own challenges. Loneliness for one. And I recognize that to some extent that this is a self imposed exile but I'm starting to feel the cabin fever seeping in. Which is odd, because I'm hardly ever home. We are always on the go.  Lately, though, I feel like I have nothing new to say. The divorce? Not settled. Work? Not fun. The kids? Happy. I've had the feeling that I was starting to get boring but this week just confirmed it. I don't want to be the person that no one wants around because they just bring down the mood. As much as I try, however, I've become just that. 

The beginning of this week also brought me face to face with reality that even though things are starting to fall in place, I can't rewind time. My past is always there. And some mistakes will haunt you a life time. There will always be the nagging question of "what if?". And in my case, it was more damned if you do, damned if you don't. (At least from my perspective - two choices and both ended with "what if?") So these slightly pessimistic thoughts have left me wanting a little solitude and at the same time- hating it. This probably makes absolutely no sense, but I'm forcing myself to write. Hope you have a wonderful long weekend!

Looking Back

It is finally May!  I'm so excited that I'm not even bothering to hide it anymore.  Part of me wishes I was a time traveller and I could go back to myself a year ago and just give me a pat on the back.  I could not have ever imagined that I'd be where I am today.  Next week will be a BIG week for me.  I've got an interview that could lead to a very awesome job.  And that darn STAAR test is on Tuesday.  The end of next week will mean I only have TWO weeks left!  Nine months ago I thought this month would never come.  It's been a roller coaster of a school year.  For teachers, MAY is the end of the year.  Not December.  I feel a lot more closure when I pack up my room and leave for the summer.  And this year, I'm closing the door to my old life and starting a brand new one.  Not everything about this year was horrible.  I enjoy the majority of the girls I work with and have made some great new friends with the teachers I work with.  But this place was just a transition.  It began the year that would change my life.  Deciding to leave Hardin was the first leap.  It was my first break out of my comfort zone.  It gave me the courage to try new things.  That a risk could be worth it and good things could happen.  I needed that.  This year has taught me that I am strong enough.  I'm strong enough to be a single mom.  I'm strong enough to be a teacher without the awesome coworkers I had at Hardin.  I'm strong enough to drive to Houston five times a week and on the days I didn't go, deal with one of the hardest parts of my life - my divorce.  I haven't had a break.  Despite my attendance records, every day I was not at work, I was dealing with a lawyer, an ex or my sick kids.  I have every intention of making the most of this summer.  I'm going to make it to the mountains.  Even if it's just for the weekend.  I'm going to meet new people and bring the kids somewhere new.  This will not be a lazy summer.  I'm going to get to work on the house and finish my projects (and probably start some new ones...you know me).  I can't wait to get going.  Less than a month now....let the countdown begin.

Mother's Day Tribute Part 6: My BFF

I have covered several of my inspirations that are older than me, here's the first mom that is my age.  My beautiful friend, Leslie.  I can't tell you how excited I was when Leslie told me she and Charlie were expecting.  And then, 2 months later, I found out I was pregnant too!  We have gone through every part of motherhood together, and it is awesome (and not planned).  I have been surrounded by little kids for as long as I can remember. Leslie, was not.  I can remember going to visit her and Ro for the first time and being bathed in germ-X.  Oh, and this little baby turned my BFF into a woman who would cry at the drop of a pin.  I kid you not.  Our pregnancies were super fun.  She was crying and I threw up.  :) But then, both the boys were here and they were oh, so epic.  It's been a blast watching my best friend take on the role of mom.  She totally rocks at it too.  I also have fun comparing our parenting styles.  It only goes to prove that there is no one right way to parent.  Leslie is patient, attentive and always on the look out for ways she can help her son be a better person.  She makes about 85% of his food from scratch!!! And makes me totally jealous when she can get him to eat a bowl of gumbo.  (Meanwhile, I'm celebrating ONE bite of a chicken nugget)  Most of the time, we sit around and wonder when we got old enough to have kids, and what the heck happened to the two teenagers that would stay up too late and get in trouble.  But a lot of the time, I just stand in awe of all that she accomplishes.  She is so talented.  Super mom, awesome cook, great wife, and best friend on the planet.  Did I mention she owns a great coffee shop/bakery??? (#brewedawakening #govisitnow)   I'm so thrilled that I can force my son to be Ro's friend and not have to worry about what he's doing or who he's with.   I look forward to seeing both of them grow up into the awesome young men they will be some day.  Love you, Leslie!  You're amazing.