Snow Day Thoughts

It's not really a Snow Day.  I mean, it did snow, for about 30 minutes, which is record breaking around here, but the snow didn't impede travel in any way.  The ice did in some parts.  But, I'm already off topic.  My brother broke radio silence on Facebook last week when he let loose on how he feels about my ex.  And I know that most of you have the same burning curiosity about what's going on that I would have.  (That is - if you even care.  My ego is getting quite the inflation right now, right?)  On top of this, I finally forced myself to sit down and read the background check done on him last year.  It wasn't something I'd like to repeat.  If 2013 was the year of change for me, then 2014 was the year to be honest with myself.  I'm a pretty honest person.  Like I told a friend this year, I don't think this is because I'm some stellar person, it just happens by default.  I was raised on the Good Book with a healthy heaping of guilt thrown in for good measure. (And since text is hard to read - I'm smiling right now.  No resentment.)  So lying isn't something I'm good at.  My policy is if you don't want someone to know - avoid, avoid, avoid.  And the truth of my marriage is something I've avoided until now.  So, I've decided to get honest.  With myself and with my friends who read this.  My marriage was a joke. I genuinely thought for a long time that I was in it for the long haul.  When it got rough (and it got pretty rough) I was there for the kids to have two parents in their lives - something I NEVER wanted to do.

You see, a lot of people watch those Lifetime Movies that have the main character that has NO idea that their husband actually had a secret identity.  Yeah, that was me.  I never thought it was possible either until it happened to me.  And I'm writing this in the hopes that others will learn from my lesson.  I wasn't a saint in my marriage - I'm sure that there was a lot I could have done better.  But the entire relationship started off on the wrong foot. I was lied to.  It happens, I know.  And now that I'm on the other side of it, I feel stupid.  And that's really the only word for it.  Everyone assures me that I was just "trusting" and "naive".  I still feel stupid.  For believing everything.  For not trusting those who were closest to me.  And for cutting them off when I needed them most.  I received a lot of forgiveness for my own actions in the last year and I'm so grateful for it.  PT Barnum said something to the effect of people let themselves be deceived because it is more convenient than the truth.  (And the historian in me wants to point out that I may have that wrong.  The idea I need is there though lol.) I think I took this harder than necessary because I feel like I wasn't honest with myself.  When those infamous "red flags" came up, I ignored them.  I wanted to believe that I was good enough to be loved by a good person.  It sounds really immature and silly now.  But I desperately wanted my marriage to be a good marriage.  I wanted my kids to have two, ACTIVE parents.  And I was willing to ignore the bad to have it.

I'm not mad that my ex lied to me.  It happens and people break up over it all the time.  I'm mad that I deceived myself.  That I was not honest with myself and THAT is what I'm having a hard time overcoming.  So I've forced myself to face the music, so to speak.  I have tried to look objectively at my marriage and I've come to realize that it was just never going to work.  Even before we got married.  And if I had listened to myself and trusted ME to make the right decision, I wouldn't be where I am now.  I'm always the first to tell other women that they are of worth and they should listen to their instincts and when the moment came to lead by example, I failed. I know this isn't the most uplifting blog in the world, but to me it's almost freeing to be able to put this out there for everyone to read.  And I hope and pray that the lesson is learned.  The most important thing to be honest with yourself.  Clinging to a toxic relationship or mistake from your past only brings you down.  Stop telling yourself that you deserve it or it will only get better, because it won't. Everyone deserves to be happy, just not at the expense of others.

The Philosophy of the Garden

Saturday, I had a nice, long pep-talk with myself and pulled my lazy butt off the couch to go plant some carrots.  Gardening is a long loved past time of mine that not many remember about me.  If people think they need help outside, they usually first go to my brother, and rightly so.  The guy could grow apples in a desert.  My thumb is a lighter shade of green, but it's still got the touch.   As long as I can remember, my family has always had a garden.  This is ironic, as I seldom remember eating any vegetables as a child - most likely the result of my grandmother's generosity and a picky appetite as a kid.  The actual memory of gardening is there though.  I vividly remember the year my dad planted potatoes for the first time.  The yard is still built up in that area to help drain the water.  Two years ago, I planted my first personal garden, and was surprised by the success I had.  There was something almost spiritual about having that time to yourself to turn the soil and shelter delicate blossoms.  A successful garden takes the perfect balance of all the required ingredients - soil, water, nutrients.  Too much of any one thing and suddenly, you have a bunch of very dead plants.  This is also how I've come to see life in the recent months.  Life is about experiences.  You will experience joy, anger, sadness, loss and sometimes its all in the same day.  A successful life is about finding that perfect balance. You can't have joy your entire life, or you'd never appreciate the best moments.  Similarly, letting yourself get stuck in a never-ending sadness will take the eagerness for life away.  It's really easy for me to get carried away in the moment.  Sometimes, I have to step back and remind myself that life continues to move forward.  It's not always going to bad, or good, or even just mediocre.  Life is all three, and that's what makes it awesome.

Times are Changing...again.

This weekend has me deep in thought.  It's time for another big decision for the Jones family.  Of course, no details shared here, but trust me...it's life changing.  again. Did I mention (once upon a time) that I don't like change?  You see, the fear of the unknown often leaves me clinging to "the devil I know".  I've taken a lot of risks in the past 6 months, but I am still struggling with this fear of making the wrong decision. It can be exhaustive.  I'm so grateful for the wonderful people in my life who have help me in my times of need and have shown only mercy and generosity towards my family.  It's a humbling experience, but I'm glad I've gone through it.  If I had the chance to do it all over again, I would.  My kids are completely worth it.  And sometimes, I just have to remind myself over and over again.  I know that at the end of this period of my life I will be glad I learned these lessons and made these tough decisions.  Until then, bear with me, my friends.

Dear Old Friend

I've put myself in quite a mood yesterday and today.  I have to go back to work on Monday.  It's not the work itself that I dread, but the drive and the time away from the kids.  Add to that - I probably over-did it the last few days between a 5k I wasn't prepared for and painting the rest of the living room.  I'm just tired.  Then, my ex called this morning to say that our dog was sick and losing teeth. I try not to focus on the parts of divorce that really suck.  But today, it's been hard.  When you decide to go through with a divorce, you expect it to be hard.  You know that a daily communication with that person will stop.  You expect it to be hard on the kids.  You don't expect the little things.  Like what will happen when your dog gets sick?  Neither of us can afford a long term treatment plan if something is seriously wrong with her.  I have never understood people who were "overly attached" to their pets.  But I'm not even embarassed to admit I cried like a baby when I got off the phone.

So, I wrote a letter to her.  Because I miss her.

Dear Sasha,

I miss seeing your crooked little smile everyday.  I miss the way you would get aggravated with Tango and go beat the mess out of him.  You are seriously the best dog in the world.  Woman's best friend.  You didn't love my children as much as I did and I can't blame you - Oliver pulled your tail and pushed you out of chairs one too many times, but you never lost your patience with him.  He still gives me updates on Sasha Dog when he comes home.  I miss the goofy way you used to "talk" to me.  I remember telling Matt you sounded like a wookie.  I would gladly bring you home today if I could, skin allergies and expensive food and all.  You were my buddy when I was down.  I miss our car rides just to get out of the house and sharing snacks with you.  I didn't want to leave you.  I hope you didn't think I forgot about you, sweet girl.  I can't imagine a day that I drop off or pick up Oliver and you're not there.  I hope you're ok and that I'm just overly emotional for no reason.  But if you're not, know that you were a great dog and the best companion anyone could ask for.  I love you.

Christy

Late Night Thoughts

1. It's actually early morning.
2. I can't believe its finally the new year. I have been looking forward to this for so long, that even though I hardcore celebrated its arrival, it was still slightly anticlimactic.
3. After a good, honest talk with my brother, I came to the conclusion that a man who does not, at the very least, appreciate the classic Disney movies, is not worth a second glance.
4. I am determined to stick with my exercise routine. I am doing this for me and my kids, who deserve someone who can keep up with them.
5. I could totally rock being a stay at home mom. It's too bad the bills wouldn't get paid then.
6. I found three gray hairs in the last month and dyed my hair. I never thought I'd be the type. I also never thought I'd go gray before 30.
7. I only have to survive one more semester before I can begin Christy 2.0. Still waiting to hear back on my grad school application.
8. I don't understand this quest for happiness thing some people rule their lives by. Happiness isn't found in a career, relationship, or money. It is simply a state or being...an attitude. Teaching is my calling. 90% of the time I'd rather be home, but there's an occasional blip on the radar that keeps me going. The other 90 % I just have to remind myself it pays the bills.
9. #8 reminds me that I don't understand people who like to have others completely support them. If you have any, slightly functioning body and a smile, Walmart or McDonalds will hire you. You are not too good for that spot. If I lost my job today, I'd have no problem mopping the floors at Dairy Queen if it meant I was providing for myself and my kids.
10. I communicate with more of my high school classmates through Facebook than I ever did in school.
11. Before I had kids, I hated talking to small children. Now, sometimes I feel like they're the only ones who make sense sometimes.
12. Financial reasons may prevent my Pikes Peak climb this year, but I'll get it next year for sure.
13. I may or may not be addicted to home improvement.
14. The older I get, the more of my inner nerd I embrace.
15. Life is more fun when you have a hobby.
16. I plan on attending the 'Stros first home game. Who's with me?
17. This is the first in 5 years that I didn't watch even ONE football game. I didn't miss it.
18. I was a little bummed to find out I don't get an upgrade until the end of this year. Oh well
19. This was the best Christmas I've had since I was a little kid.
20. I'm starting to wish winter was over.