Snow Day Thoughts

It's not really a Snow Day.  I mean, it did snow, for about 30 minutes, which is record breaking around here, but the snow didn't impede travel in any way.  The ice did in some parts.  But, I'm already off topic.  My brother broke radio silence on Facebook last week when he let loose on how he feels about my ex.  And I know that most of you have the same burning curiosity about what's going on that I would have.  (That is - if you even care.  My ego is getting quite the inflation right now, right?)  On top of this, I finally forced myself to sit down and read the background check done on him last year.  It wasn't something I'd like to repeat.  If 2013 was the year of change for me, then 2014 was the year to be honest with myself.  I'm a pretty honest person.  Like I told a friend this year, I don't think this is because I'm some stellar person, it just happens by default.  I was raised on the Good Book with a healthy heaping of guilt thrown in for good measure. (And since text is hard to read - I'm smiling right now.  No resentment.)  So lying isn't something I'm good at.  My policy is if you don't want someone to know - avoid, avoid, avoid.  And the truth of my marriage is something I've avoided until now.  So, I've decided to get honest.  With myself and with my friends who read this.  My marriage was a joke. I genuinely thought for a long time that I was in it for the long haul.  When it got rough (and it got pretty rough) I was there for the kids to have two parents in their lives - something I NEVER wanted to do.

You see, a lot of people watch those Lifetime Movies that have the main character that has NO idea that their husband actually had a secret identity.  Yeah, that was me.  I never thought it was possible either until it happened to me.  And I'm writing this in the hopes that others will learn from my lesson.  I wasn't a saint in my marriage - I'm sure that there was a lot I could have done better.  But the entire relationship started off on the wrong foot. I was lied to.  It happens, I know.  And now that I'm on the other side of it, I feel stupid.  And that's really the only word for it.  Everyone assures me that I was just "trusting" and "naive".  I still feel stupid.  For believing everything.  For not trusting those who were closest to me.  And for cutting them off when I needed them most.  I received a lot of forgiveness for my own actions in the last year and I'm so grateful for it.  PT Barnum said something to the effect of people let themselves be deceived because it is more convenient than the truth.  (And the historian in me wants to point out that I may have that wrong.  The idea I need is there though lol.) I think I took this harder than necessary because I feel like I wasn't honest with myself.  When those infamous "red flags" came up, I ignored them.  I wanted to believe that I was good enough to be loved by a good person.  It sounds really immature and silly now.  But I desperately wanted my marriage to be a good marriage.  I wanted my kids to have two, ACTIVE parents.  And I was willing to ignore the bad to have it.

I'm not mad that my ex lied to me.  It happens and people break up over it all the time.  I'm mad that I deceived myself.  That I was not honest with myself and THAT is what I'm having a hard time overcoming.  So I've forced myself to face the music, so to speak.  I have tried to look objectively at my marriage and I've come to realize that it was just never going to work.  Even before we got married.  And if I had listened to myself and trusted ME to make the right decision, I wouldn't be where I am now.  I'm always the first to tell other women that they are of worth and they should listen to their instincts and when the moment came to lead by example, I failed. I know this isn't the most uplifting blog in the world, but to me it's almost freeing to be able to put this out there for everyone to read.  And I hope and pray that the lesson is learned.  The most important thing to be honest with yourself.  Clinging to a toxic relationship or mistake from your past only brings you down.  Stop telling yourself that you deserve it or it will only get better, because it won't. Everyone deserves to be happy, just not at the expense of others.