Divorce

I've debated with myself on whether or not to post about my divorce.  Even though I regularly post things to Facebook, I'm actually a pretty private person.  Even this post, if you're reading it, will not be a time to air my dirty laundry, but its just a reflection of things I've learned.  If you had met me four years ago, I would have laughed at the idea that I would ever be going through a divorce.  When it comes to relationships, I prefer the old-school ideas of commitment and working out your problems.  (<--I meant that to sound as arrogant as it does.) But the fact is (a fact I was not prepared for) relationships are hard.  They're hard when both people are working 100% for it to be successful.  And every degree that you let that slip, it just gets worse.  And if one person is not willing to work at all, then you might as well walk away, because at that point the relationship is doing nothing or worse. And yes, it gets worse than nothing. Friendships, Family, Marriage - every interaction with another human being is part of building relationships.  It takes a constant effort to maintain that relationship whether it is good or bad.

Here's what I learned from my marriage and divorce -

1.  Children are awesome.  I was never 100% convinced I wanted kids until I had them.  They are seriously the best thing that came out of my marriage and I wouldn't want it any other way.

2.  Getting divorced doesn't make you a bad parent.  Being a dirtbag makes you a bad parent.  Separated parents can still make their kids feel loved and supported and help them make this rocky journey we call life without too many dysfunctions.

3. Don't give up several good relationships for one.  If anyone ever asks you or pressures you to abandon a friendship or family when you don't have a problem with them.  Just walk away.  This isn't even exclusive to marriage.  It's just the right thing to do.

4.  Lies are like fire.  They very quickly get out of control and destroy things.

5.  Forgiveness is both the hardest and most necessary thing in life.  You must receive it and be willing to give it.  And forget about the offense once you give it.

6.  You have to be willing to adapt.  For a relationship to be successful AND for you to be able to walk away from one.  You have to look at yourself and say, "This isn't working.  What needs to change?"

7.  Accept friendship from unexpected sources.  This past year (married and divorced) has taught me the true meaning of friendship and to accept it from anyone.  Anyone can be a friend, you just have to give them a chance.

8.  Don't be arrogant.  NEVER, EVER think that it couldn't happen to you.  It will.  And it will be a lot easier to recover if you haven't burned bridges by being a pompous jerk.

9.  Don't judge others.  This is closely tied to number 9, but it needs to be stressed.  You don't know what other people have been through and you will never understand what they were going through when they decided to give up.

10.  Empathize with others.  Show them your weaknesses and accept theirs.  Love them anyways.  Let them know you've been there and it's hard but people get over it.  The people who have helped me the most have simply said, "I've been there.  It's ok to get stressed.  Here, have some chocolate."

11.  You can't ignore a problem.  Whether its rust on the swimming pool or communication in a relationship.  If you ignore it, it will only get bigger.  It's probably inconvenient or uncomfortable to deal with but its better than letting it spread. ((Dad, that pool reference is for you...story for another blog))

12.  Don't post about it on Facebook.  People who post their problems on Facebook are looking for drama and attention.  90% of the people who read this blog and my Facebook have no idea why  I am getting divorced and probably never will.  It's none of their business anyway.  Besides, bashing an ex may make you feel better, but it eventually gets to the kids.  And kids internalize things.  They don't need your drama either.

13.  Divorce shouldn't be your first option.  Go to counseling.  Talk.  TRY. There are people who hit rock bottom and can get out of it together.

14.  Don't be jealous.  Your relationship didn't work?  You're still single?  It's ok.  It all works out in the end.

and finally...

15.  Be happy wherever you are.  Married, divorced, single, poor, rich....It doesn't mean you have to be a negative, bitter person.  You're alive.  Live.  You're always better off than someone else.